Tuesday, November 2
ss is screwed. i've never felt this bad about any paper before. ever. my 13 mark question's completely gone. why am i such a fool. i don't know what came over me, but i just didn't understand the question at all. i'm screwed. my only humance. i've kissed my a1 byebye. what's the point of concentrating on lit now? nothing's going to pull it up. i guess i'll do science next year. damn ss. i have zero confidence now. where the hell were my brains??? i don't know either, damnit. how come i could look at the question and not see the link? i don't know either, damnit! now i'm pissed with the whole world! even my speakers are spoilt and i can't listen to my music. damnit. damn it all. i hate you. but more than that, i hate me. i'm screwed. all of you out there who did the correct thing when you saw the question,
stop rubbing it in, damnit! like i'm not already upset with myself. smart alecks. okay, so i'm dumb. get the hell out of my way before i turn violent.
why am i so violent, so vicious, so angry? because i wanted to believe in myself. and now i know i will never be able to. i just want to hurt someone, hurt them the way i'm hurting now. say the meanest things without a twinge of conscience. make them cry. rub salt into wounds. the last time i did that, i regretted it like crazy. so i won't do it again. go away, let me be for a while. i don't want to do something i'll regret. there's enough on my conscience. i don't care if there'll be a rainbow after this rain. i don't want the rain. i want clear skies all through i know i sound silly there's no such thing but can't i even wish?? can't i even dream? why do i even care what you say you aren't me you don't understand i just wanna die why am i so stupid why am i such a fool where are you now that i need you so?
i haven't smiled all day. i don't think i'm about to start either. it's not your fault or anything. it's just me. thinking about what could have been is saddening. watching the marks slip through my fingers. i need to learn to move on. i don't know what tomorrow will bring..
have you ever, by brandy:
[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever
Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]
Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you into my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep
[Chorus]
well i like it. that's all i need to say. it's the saddest thing in the world and i never want to feel that way but i like the song.
it must've been love.
11:17 am
xoxo
